A Time of Introspection: A Lesson

You know when you feel yourself change. Like you internally physically feel a shift in your entire presence? I have been doing a lot of ‘transforming’ if you will, in the last few months and am still. It’s gradual, but I almost think that’s why I feel it so intently. Not like watching grass grow, more like, if you were the ‘hour’ hand on the clock; your legs are the center and your head is the end that touches each # and tick(second). Watching as your perception of the world changes every few minutes. 

Now my perception isn’t changing every couple minutes (I’d be a mess), but I can see a slight change from even last week. The work I have been putting into changing habits and thinking, I feel it working. And I feel the universe working with it.

What I am truly understanding is that Our happiness  is our own to have. Our own right as God’s children. Writing it feels so simple, but being actively aware of this right means you can be happy in every moment. 

Side note: almost every moment.. we do have to feel things, but we have to let them be felt and let them go. 

I’ve talked before about how we as people think about the negative a lot more than the positive, or at least remember it longer. If we are focused on the bad then we will only see the bad, but if we focus on the good, on all the things we are grateful for, naturally, we will receive more to be grateful for.

It’s like when you give someone your love, or your time even. You give more to the people who are grateful for it. The people who enjoy it. If someone is not grateful for what they have (from you), you have no obligation to keep giving them more. 

The universe works the same way. That’s probably where we get it from. 

How do you Move?

How do you move through life? In a daze just going through the motions? With a purpose? Rushing? Slowly? With meaning and intent in every aspect? Or maybe only certain aspects? Do you move away? Towards? Through? Are you stuck?

Self-love..what about SELF-PAIN?

So there is all this talk about self love and I am here for it. But there isn’t much talk about self-pain, or self-hate, or self-harm. Not in an acknowledging way anyway. So let’s start here. I know that I am hard on myself as we probably all are.  As much as I like me..I'm pretty sure I do not LOVE all of me. See, I am someone who is very open, which I feel is a great thing, but when comparing myself to others this part of me almost feels bad for itself. When you are open minded you give yourself options like nobody has seen before. This does not help considering I am already an indecisive person as is. I feel as though it is easier to be "closed minded" or at least to have boundaries.  Because then there are obvious  rules you follow for yourself, and they work.  But being so open minded I get confused often. I am often unsure of what is  "right". Now I am not mad or disappointing about where I am in life by any means because i am very aware that everything happens for a reason.

Something else about me is I can rationalize just about anything. It gets so bad that I can straight up invalidate my own feelings. This then depletes my self-worth and messes up my mindset altogether. Brings me to a space where I feel like nothing matters inside of me. And I know better. 

I am constantly trying to change myself, better myself in any way. And this doesn't sound bad, but I think sometimes it leads to me losing perspective. I feel as though I am thinking too much about myself, so in turn I continuously do more for others. and  that always feels good. Until I start calculating what others do for me. And I know better.

Another thing is my negative thoughts. Now I know we all have them and it all comes back to perspective. Most of the complexes in my mind are negative. I seem like a pretty positive person on the outside because it is easier to say than to do. I always have something positive and wise to say to others. But I don't follow my own advice. I know better.

I think that I tolerate too much. I think I do this because I don't feel like I deserve anything other than what is given to me. The good, but especially the bad. And that is probably because I haven't gone through a lot of bad. My life has been pretty "normal". I have a lot of sadness that comes from nowhere, but probably just myself. This goes back to my complexes. I know better.

I probably had more to say when I started this post. But I don't want my mind to be focused on the negative anymore. So that's all. 

5 Why's

1. Why are we here?

In the most literal and physiological sense of the question, we are here because our parents, or 'donors' if you will, accidentally, or purposefully, or unknowingly conceived us at some point in time. (Time, a construct we will ponder on later.) And then they bore us into the world to live our life. Now the more psycho-spiritual view to why we live our lives extends beyond ourselves. It reaches deep within and further beyond the reality that we know. I'm sure ya'll know we're all spirits navigating life through a human experience. Spirit, the non-physical part of a person (or all living things) which is the seat of emotions and character; the soul (Oxford Languages). The human experience is the part where we get to choose!

2. Why do we have choices?

I ask this question because, well, I do NOT LIKE making decisions! I would not call it "indecisive" by nature because I think we are all indecisive about something, sometimes. But starting with the smallest of decisions like what to eat for breakfast in the morning. Sometimes I am so uninterested in making anything at all that I don't, and that is a decision in itself. You know, not making a decision at all is still a decision in itself right? Ya. Not always the best way to go about things. We have to make decisions everyday, all day and this is the foundation of our life.

Waking up not just to be alive, but to LIVE

People say you should wake up earlier when starting your day because we probably waste a lot of time in our day anyway. So you can see that I agree with this statement. I was just thinking a few days ago, [wow, I wish there was more time in a day]. But then I thought back to myself, [do we really need it? I just wasted about 3 days in bed]. So I think waking up earlier is a good start. Then there are our eating/drinking habits. Most of us do not think about what we are putting into our bodies and that stuff matters! eating the right things and the right amount of things contributes to not only how you feel waking up and going to sleep every not, but how you feel driving in the car or walking down the street or in the gym or in class. Being mindful with your health impacts the way you think and how your skin looks. It all matters. Next, are the decisions we make when planning or going about our days. Some of us have school or work or both. Those are the most common things a person does in a day I think, but what after that? Even if you are doing these important (societal) things all day, there will definitely be minutes wasted once you are home and even throughout your busy day. I believe we should dedicate so much time to our day to ourselves, our dreams and passions, to our minds, to our self worth. 

Now I think life feels contradicting sometimes due to societies standards. But in all actuality, societies standards are low. Anybody can go to school, retain information, and get a job. Anybody can choose to start a family and take care of it (keyword in that last statement is CHOOSE). But those who choose to do more, anyone who chooses to think for themselves and nurture their passions and dig deeper to create and reform who they are to get better. These people know what it is like to live for themselves. To treat your own individuality like it is just that. That is when you will aspire to be all that you are. 

I almost put, all that you are "supposed to be", but I don't know that I like that because are we "supposed to be" anybody? We are who we are and we can only be who we are in a moment, because we are always changing, ever-growing. 

3. Why do we make mistakes?

Mistakes are just another part of life. Mistakes CAN 'make' or 'break' you in a moment. A mistake in cooking could make your meal better and land you that pro chef job that you have always wanted. Mistakes as a police officer can get somebody killed. Mistakes in sports can get you hurt and retired for the game, season, or the rest of your sports life. But mistakes will never be who you are, only why we are. How we learn. And I think I will leave that, like that.

4. Why do we care?

We care about everything. People: what they are doing, why they are doing it, how we hurt them, how they hurt us, why they hurt us, why they leave, why they stay, how they act, what they say, why they say and act that way. All the things we are doing and why we do it. We simply just care. BUT WHY?????? I don't have all the answers, but I imagine we care because we think everything matters. Everyone matters. And while this seems true, some things just. don't. matter. Things you can't control, do not, matter. Other peoples' thoughts and opinions and even things they do, don't matter. Even what your closest friends and family think ultimately doesn't matter. You only control you and your actions, thoughts, and words and how you apply that to yourself and for yourself is what matters.
But I feel like that is somewhat off topic of the question. We care about others, for others. We care because it brings the giving in us, out. We care to gain compassion and trust. This is the reason we care.

5. Why don’t we know?

Why don't we know what? you may be thinking. Why don't we know anything? Now, obviously we know some things, we research, we listen, we learn. But in the case of life and it's many dimensions and forms, we don't know a lot. We don't know what the future holds, we can't read minds, we don't know if what we are doing works or matters. Some of these things we find out along the way. Some things we will never know until after death and maybe not even then. Things seem like they would be easier if we knew everything. But then we would be more complacent, lazy, careless. Because we already know There's nothing to learn. It's like when you see a movie about time travel and they go into the past and they can't touch anything or talk to anyone because it will change the entire course of life, or when they go forward in time and they cant touch anything or talk to anyone because the whole world will implode. lol. maybe that was a bad comparison because I don't actually know what happens when they go into the future in movies. Back to the Future is lost in my memory, but it just confirms my point that we just don't and can't know everything. The only constant thing in life is change. Embrace that.


If you have more "Why's" post them in the comments! I'd love to see what other existential questions are out there and see where they land in my mind.

Psychology and Me

What is life?

Some say life starts at conception. Some say life starts when we are born or when consciousness is found. I don't think I can say exactly when I believe it starts, but I do know that it is all around us at all times, as well as within us. I do know it is an energy and not a thing we can touch. Or is it an energy? Because I know that energy can not be created or destroyed. Thinking about it life isn't created or destroyed either, only the vessel that carries it is. Through this vessel we learn to do and we learn to say and that is what constitutes our Journey in this life.

Now in this life I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what the right and wrong things to do are. As I try to explore this I only become more open, more understanding, more forgiving, more passionate, more attentive, more wondrous, and even a little more cautious. I am now 22 and not in any sort of school at the moment. I definitely feel as though I have learned the most about life in my last year or so of it. I have heard so many things about life that I now get to decide if they are true or not. I, just like many of you have heard that life is what you make it and that is probably the truest statement of them all. Although, there is a definite higher power that keeps us all connected and seems to have had some sort of arrangements for each and every one of us every day. So how can you feel free and at will to do as you please when it seems to all be pre-planned or connected somehow. Maybe because the seed that was planted to grow unfolds exactly how it should at all the right times. And we only know those times as they come to us. These things only come to us as we water ourselves and are receptive to the sun around us and we root ourselves in the soil we were planted in. But is the soil our surroundings outside of ourselves? Or ourselves altogether? That I don't know the answer to. I'm spiritual, not religious.

I don't know a whole lot about religion in its many forms. I grew up Christian, going to church until I was about 10, maybe. I do not remember resorting back to the God that I knew once until I was older, but even then it was so seldom. It wasn't until 2016 I remember being constantly reminded of a higher power. A God and his many energies. 

All we have in this life is word of mouth. In school, we learn from teachers who are taught by other teachers who get their information from books and research papers who are written by authors who found out this information through their research and own experiences. And we only experience the energies (people) around us. So it all comes back to one thing: oneness.