Self-love..what about SELF-PAIN?

So there is all this talk about self love and I am here for it. But there isn’t much talk about self-pain, or self-hate, or self-harm. Not in an acknowledging way anyway. So let’s start here. I know that I am hard on myself as we probably all are.  As much as I like me..I'm pretty sure I do not LOVE all of me. See, I am someone who is very open, which I feel is a great thing, but when comparing myself to others this part of me almost feels bad for itself. When you are open minded you give yourself options like nobody has seen before. This does not help considering I am already an indecisive person as is. I feel as though it is easier to be "closed minded" or at least to have boundaries.  Because then there are obvious  rules you follow for yourself, and they work.  But being so open minded I get confused often. I am often unsure of what is  "right". Now I am not mad or disappointing about where I am in life by any means because i am very aware that everything happens for a reason.

Something else about me is I can rationalize just about anything. It gets so bad that I can straight up invalidate my own feelings. This then depletes my self-worth and messes up my mindset altogether. Brings me to a space where I feel like nothing matters inside of me. And I know better. 

I am constantly trying to change myself, better myself in any way. And this doesn't sound bad, but I think sometimes it leads to me losing perspective. I feel as though I am thinking too much about myself, so in turn I continuously do more for others. and  that always feels good. Until I start calculating what others do for me. And I know better.

Another thing is my negative thoughts. Now I know we all have them and it all comes back to perspective. Most of the complexes in my mind are negative. I seem like a pretty positive person on the outside because it is easier to say than to do. I always have something positive and wise to say to others. But I don't follow my own advice. I know better.

I think that I tolerate too much. I think I do this because I don't feel like I deserve anything other than what is given to me. The good, but especially the bad. And that is probably because I haven't gone through a lot of bad. My life has been pretty "normal". I have a lot of sadness that comes from nowhere, but probably just myself. This goes back to my complexes. I know better.

I probably had more to say when I started this post. But I don't want my mind to be focused on the negative anymore. So that's all.